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Sunday, September 26, 2004

Fast Forward Rewinding


" I don't want to fall in love 'til I fall in love with you
and you showed me what my heart already knew
I don't want to fall in love 'til I know the love is true
Coz I need you to feel the way I do When I give my heart to you...."

Just HEARD this tonight.have heard it before but for some reason, it only caught my attention just now WHILE I AM ENGROSSED IN READING. Sabi ko lang, "uy, ganda ng kanta." 

I wrote the chorus part so that I could look for it on the internet. Then of course, I read it again as a whole verse just as I'm always likely to do when I'm writing. That was when these curious and curiously alternating feelings of doubt-alarm-realization-doubt-alarm hit me. It just took me by surprise! In a moment, I was already muttering "shit!' Sure the lyrics were really romantic but just why in the world did I, for a moment, was very sure that that is what I exactly am feeling? What does it portend? Or simply, what does it mean for me....

I have been having the most profound thoughts last night, twas a shame I didn't get to write it down. I actually was driven to do so but it 's just impossible to capture such thoughts on paper at the same speed that your mind is voicing them out. But I really wish I could have.

I have been reading "The Vampire Lestat" and been feeling so tender and vulnerable; so open, loving, so hopeful and sad and innocent; so young and at the same time so old - a lot of things really. It has led me to a lot of realizations. A lot of vagueness also became quite clear. Something was lifted from my heart last night and I'm still to figure out what it was...

I have been thinking about living, loving and learning; how loving and learning equates to living and how beauty is essential to these three.

Find beauty in everything. Start by looking for the beautiful in a particular thing. Learn that one thing which makes it extraordinary and therefore precious. Love it. Make that realization a part of you. Glory in it. Find happiness in it and then move on to repeat the same process in other things - whether a 'someone' or a 'something', a facet of yourself or of another person, general or specific. Being a repetitive process somehow makes such an exercise boring and might make one want to damn life for being so 'boring' and 'predictable' - or not. 

How can it be so? Even with our very selves we are so afraid of finding out and facing the truth about who we really are. We are all so very afraid to admit that yes, we all have bad streaks along with the good ones. We all find it hard to accept that, therefore missing the point that that particular mixture of good and bad is actually what makes us unique and uniquely beautiful and rightly deserving of appreciation and love from ourselves and from other people.

Now that i think about it, the world is full of beauty! There just isn't enough lifetimes for me to be able to discover the miracle of it and tire of it so soon. Just think about how much happiness is there waiting to be discovered. 

I'm thinking... It seems like everything I have come across lately has been pointing me to a vaguely familiar direction. I still can't say to WHOSE direction - one particular person that I already know. I don't think there is a way for me to know that. It just feels like I am heading for a collision with a truth that my heart has known for sometime but has just kept secret all along. Or is this just one of the 'trends' in my life?

SECRET. I used that word but I really have this feeling that the thing that is eluding me is not really a secret at all because already, there is this inkling, this merest trace of understanding and nay, even of acceptance about this so called 'secret'. But it still is just that - one vague hint. Something that at the moment i find to be funny....
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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