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Saturday, October 16, 2004

continual awareness

hey, missed writing here really. been soaking up the working life like sponge is to water.though the tasks have been quite simple, it has made me busy enough to wonder just when will i be again writing here. but of course that doesn't mean that i've forgone the thinking, monologues and soliloquies. i actually am into them quite frequently. i've caught myself pondering again about the way life has been unfolding for me.

there is this strong yearning to know more, to see more, and feel and understand more about life. i want to LIVE and to do so to the fullest; going beyond boundaries, be able to see the TRUTH in everything and still find beauty and happiness no matter what. more and more i feel like standing at the brink of some unknown adventure - a great, dangerous, yet life-changing precipice where i might fall or find salvation.from what? i guess its more from the monotony which i fear would be my lot if i don't struggle and strive to make a difference in my life.one of my greatest fears is to find out that i've allowed the best of what life has to offer to pass me by; to realize that i've done nothing to make me deserve this life, wasted away into a nobody who's not even worthy of remembrance. i want to be able to touch lives, to inspire, to give what i can, to be kind. i don't want to just fade away into nothingness. i want to be someone in someone else's life- a person who matters/ mattered and not just some name. 

i believe in a continual awareness. i want to be continually aware. i want to be able to live to the fullest every lifetime that i may be blessed enough to have in my own eternity. if i could make this real, live up to this dream, i would die a very happy soul- content that i've done remarkably well whatever it is that i've been born to do. not even the possibility that there is no afterlife could scare me. i'd gladly give myself up to oblivion knowing that for as long as there are people who have known and felt me and had shared their lives with me, i will live on.

salvation. strange that i use this word for i am yet to ponder about the reality of sin. for now, i only know goodness and truth and beauty. i believe in them. in these things i find meaning - a reason enough not to allow life to swallow me in its lies, its chaos.

These lines sure got me thinking... So much for wanting to write and not be able to whenever i want to... :)

kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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