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Monday, October 31, 2005

Prudish.

Why is it that we want to stand out and yet we still strive to fit in? Is it because we are afraid to overdo our stand on independence and find ourselves lonely in the end, eh? Indeed, human nature can sometimes be ridiculously funny!

I do understand. I don’t want to be lonely too. Whenever I make decisions though, my usual first instinct is to opt for the less conventional. Winning and losing has never been a priority. I just have this inborn apathy for the popular, except of course if it serves my purpose. I’ve always had this tendency to give in to the rebel in me. I find it fun to be different. It is actually the main reason why I have never yet seriously considered being with somebody.

I don’t want to be lonely. I’d hate to be; to feel alone. When you are single, it does become lonesome at times. There are just moments that are best savored and shared with someone close to your heart. These are such times when I can’t help but yearn to have someone too. I don’t find this reason enough though to enter into an intimate relationship. Some people may believe it to be so. I do not.

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I don’t want to be with someone just because I don’t want to be on my own. I don’t want to be with someone just because I need someone to share things with, to be a sound board for my thoughts, or to be a companion. I don’t want to fall in love just because the whole world is telling me that at my age, it’s about time I do. The same also holds true about my chastity. I don’t want to give it up just because the world is screaming at me in every way imaginable way that sex is fun and that everyone is doing it. To hell with naiveté! Everyone is welcome to their own opinions. As for me however, I still believe in chastity; in innocence. I believe in keeping one’s self pure; in remaining inviolate until one has found that one person to whom you can entrust yourself to. This is beyond the teachings of Catholicism. It has everything to do with love. I believe in it. I believe that in spite of it being abused at every turn, it can be real. It is real and that it has its own time and reasons. I believe that in due time, it will come and find me.

I am sticking to my ideals. I may seem to fit in but I know, in this way, I quite stand out. Some may even find me old-fashioned and weird. If sticking out like this would mean having to bear that and to endure being lonely, then I’d gladly be on my own and be alone. There’s actually untold profoundness to be found in solitude.
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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