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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Thinking of angels and demons...

(Journal Entry: Oct. 22, 05)
What is it about me that feels like the earth after a refreshing shower? Whenever I have read and/or encountered something that moved me, I get giddy. I feel so alive, tingling with emotions- excitement, wonder, amazement… I feel like the earth drenched with rain, brimming and sometimes overflowing with feelings. And yes, there’s always this sadness. I am always thrown back into the past, into old memories and literally forced to once again stand at the brink of memory and remember where I have been and trace what I have become; where I have come to over the years. Life at most is but a blur of events that shapes who you are. When I am moved and my deepest feelings are sparked however, I feel that blur coming to a stop and just for a while, life reveals itself with such amazing clarity. The moment becomes itself. Even if most of the time what is unveiled is something beyond my grasp, with its implied wisdom appearing as unfathomable as the Great Pyramids and trying to get an understanding of its profoundness is like trying to dive the Marianas Trench without even knowing how to swim, it nevertheless infuses me with life and that’s all that matters.

I don’t know why I’m even trying to write down these things. Tell you what, I’ve just read Dan Brown’s Angels & Demons and last night, I was again with the EDP people toasting the birthday celebrants of October….

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I had hoped I wouldn’t be writing anything about and because of you ever again, at least not until we see each other again. But you are a ghost. You are proving to be a memory that seems to be branded in my thoughts, which with every remembrance still triggers a number of emotions. I’ve thought that accepting the fact that we are living different lives now and might very well not see each other again in a very long time, if at all, would bring me peace. It did, but it still did not give me the luxury of forgetting.

Dear, dear friend… you are making me homesick. You are strengthening this yearning to finally be found by that someone who isn’t here yet just coz I do want to forget you. By forgetting I do not mean “erase from memory”. I think that that is quite impossible. I just want to at last come to a point where I can remember you without feeling this sadness which feels like the briefest touch but nevertheless invokes a sigh and awakens still painful memories, still draws out tears.

I am yearning still. I long to once again reconnect with you; to have a moment where you are once again a friend and I can be close to you, feeling safe and comfortable in your warmth and knowing that everything is alright no matter what because each one understands the other – because we both care. I long for you to hold me and once and for all, be healed. I am wishing for these things with all my heart and I am not ashamed. Why should I be? Didn’t I say that as long as I feel that I love you, though there be a lot of questions, I will never deny it?

Love, what is it? I only know of it as my refuge against the cold; a comforting warmth to keep me safe amid disappointments and all the harsh realities of life. I know I have so much more to learn and to experience still. I am thankful however that there are these things that I already know even if I do not always understand them. I am deeply grateful that as young as I am, I have already found ways to be happy.

Love. It requires strength. It demands faith. Faith is what has kept me strong all these years. I know it is what will help me to endure in the coming years too. But there are people who say that love and faith are but forms of blindness. If they are indeed, why then do I feel so alive and so aware of life and all its possibilities and everyday miracles? How come they allow me to see things I might have readily miss if I were an unbelieving soul? It pays to believe. It opens one’s eyes.

You know what… I’ve just realized that you were already gone long before you bid us goodbye. Perhaps I really have lost my chance to reconnect with you that day when we never got to talk because we were both too young and too foolish to just reach out; that day I literally “came home crying” because my heart was breaking and the pain was just too much to keep inside.
Dearest friend, your name has become synonymous with sad memories. Strange. That sentence made me smile. Perhaps it’s because I have already spent the tears earlier into this entry.
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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