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Saturday, March 25, 2006

cowardice

2:52 AM 3/19/2006
i guess i am cowardly that's why i am writing all of these here... here goes...
....i guess i'm just a coward that i can't find the instance to tell maria that i so feel blessed in having a classmate that feels as i feel with regards to socio 101 and LIS 199; that i enjoy my talks with her, and that she is one of the reasons why i am very much enjoying my UP life nowadays...and for that i am grateful...
... i guess its cowardly to not just directly tell jelo that i am quite surprised that he's included me in his "mailing list" - people he sends text messages to just because he has the load i guess... that i just wonder at times if he thinks of me as a friend when we never even had the chance to be one...that he must choose what messages to send me or else i might believe there is indeed some sort of friendship even if i really am not aware of it... its cowardly to not tell him simply coz he really might think of me as weird... i am that though ... ;)
... i guess its cowardly of me to just write it here about my classmate romel - that i find him a blessing because he can make me laugh even if i already feel so tired during our 62 class which is at the end of always a very long day; that he has that gift to make other people smile even if he himself do feel sad... and i feel grateful in having known him...that i hope he just gives me the freedom to just be who i really am when i'm around him, without fear of being misunderstood in anyway; because i just let go especially when i appreciate the way other people can make me feel good about life...
... i guess its cowardly to tell it this way - coz i know there's a million and one chance that mLetter_1y grade school bestfriend Analyn will ever get to read this...; that i still remember the things i said as a 13 year old - that given the choice i wouldn't have really chosen her to be my one and only friend like in the song "ONE FRIEND"... that i know i have hurt her by confessing that... and that i feel that somehow til now that hurt still lingers... looking back with an adult's point of view, i know i can't tell her how to feel about that... but i'll give everything to have it healed if i could...and that i miss her very much and would love to be able to hold her real tight soon.....
....i guess its quite cowardly that i can't directly tell sir philip my amazement in again having found someone who I have so much in common, because I fear that he will not agree...that its all in my mind though i feel it strongly... and that i am so amazed at how life has always been so kind in giving me the best teachers... people who always want the best for me, who always see me as someone who has so much promise, who believe that i'll be going a long way from where i presently am,,, and that THAT itself is a great blessing...; that i can't quite tell him how grateful i am for his trust...but i'm not gonna be someone who will strive to please him because i am first and foremost, myself...
... i guess its cowardice that 'til now i can't find the time to finally invite Gie for a talk and once and for all put an end to the past... to tell her how she had made me feel - angry and so very disappointed at being thought of as one who never will guess what she was up to... to tell her that i miss her even though i know that what's gone can never be brought back again...even if there's a part of me that still love her and considers her as my happy-go-lucky angel...that i just want her to know that i always will have the fondest memories of her and hope that she is and will always be happy... that i know about her and borj and that i hope their relationship is working out alright, and that i believe its something that they shouldn't be hiding....
... i guess it is also cowardly to not be able to reach out finally to borj and just say sorry in person... because i know and i feel that even if i have told him that 2 years ago, he is still somewhat angry with me and that is something i wish to understand why; to know if i can do anything about it, help him heal... because he was someone who was a good friend and whose memories i still can smile about even upto this day...
... i guess its cowardice that's holding me back to just ask jhel why he can't just be civil with me... when he used to be someone who i really respect and trust, and til now is someone whose talent and intelligence i still believe in....
... i guess it is cowardice that's keeping me to just hug or kiss people in public whenever i feel like it, just because i'm happy; becaue i fear that they will confuse it for something else when i simply am just like that...; i fear to be that spontaneous even with old friends because they don't really know me as someone who can take that much of a chance... i always fear being misunderstood because i am no player and i am afraid they just might fall...; but i hope that whenever they feel like hugging me because of joy, they would... so that i could meet them halfway... ;)
... i guess its so cowardly to always be the serious and proper one... just because i love all too easily whenever i see something beautiful in anything... it's hard to be someone whom other people see as aloof and serious and boring... but how can they tell that i also am just too crazy and sentimental and too trusting and at times, just so painfully shy... and that seriousness is my kind of refuge because it's a way of deflecting people who might otherwise take advantage of me... so i only open up to people who do, and smile to people who makes me so, and when i do that, i rarely hold back... and that surprises most people and confuses them... then we're back again at square one... so frustrating!
... i guess its the height of my cowardice... to just write letters that i will never send because i have given up on trying to reach eldee - that friend whom i have loved and treated as the closest to my heart not really because i love the others any less;that friend whom i have lost without knowing why;that friend who had really broken my heart and is the cause of a very profound sadness... it is a soul hurt and i don't know when i will ever heal. all this time all i ever wanted was to finally see him and hold him and tell him that i love him so much and that i forgive him...but i can't because i don't even know if i'll ever get to see him again.... that i long to ask him just why he had hurt me this bad; to know whatever it was that i've done to push him away... because he acts like i am a stalker whenever i try to communicate and that in itself is very hurting... i can't even disclose this to those who had been close to him and ask for help so i could understand... its like everything had been my fault and its something i find very hard to overcome...
....i guess its cowardice that i can't find it in myself to write my old friends anymore...that at times i already feel like giving up coz i feel that they no longer feel me... that the friendship is no longer there... that i too am growing tired of being the one who is always expressing just how important they are to me... i guess its cowardice that i don't put as much effort as i used to in trying to reach out... because i feel so vulnerable and so afraid of getting more deeply wounded... even if they literally are always in my thoughts...and that i do love them so much still....
i guess it is cowardice that pushes me to write all of these things here... but that's all i can do for now...who's to say what courage i may be able to find tomorrow...and then who's to say what things courage will make me do...
...wouldn't it be fun to find out?!... ;)
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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