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Monday, March 20, 2006

death-wish

11:47 PM 3/20/2006

i hate it when people ask me if i'm going to be sad if i ever find out that they've been diagnosed with a terminal affliction. let me tell you... i cry at at the most mundane things: a beautiful sunset, a lone wildflower, an imminent storm, the beggar children at Quezon Ave.... beauty and tragedy both elicit the same reactions from me... all joys are always accompanied and made more precious by some form of sorrow... and i cry during most times though i don't always show it...

what is it with such people who seem to find romance in something as tragic as a death-wish? i think it is the height of selfishness to even have one...

if you get sick, who worries? who else becomes sick with worry on how to help you get better? if you suffer before you die, who else does? if you die, who cries? and who is left behind to pick up the pieces and struggle to forget and move on?

i have a friend who used to say that he'll be going away soon... that he has some sort of terminal sickness... he used to tease me a lot about coming back as a ghost to torment me because he knows i am afraid even of ghost stories.... that was almost three years ago...

December 2005 was the last time i saw him... not long after that, his sister texted me that he had just been officially diagnosed with brain cancer...

Receiving the news was a curious moment for me... i was torn in parts... a part of me could not believe how his "death-wish" could have backfired on him in the scariest way: it became real.... a part of me was torn with grief knowing that it is possible he could indeed be going away real soon and its just something that i cannot still accept - not for a very long time yet... and i was so angry at him because all this time, he was too selfish not to have taken better care of himself... how could someone as intelligent (he graduated Summa in Banking and Finance at a reputable college in Intramuros) and as smart as him could have done the worst crime that a person can do to himself: allow his body to fall apart just like that?!

he was so full of life, so witty, so creative, so joyful...it breaks my heart so much just to remember...

i know, its not like he's already dead... but i don't know how he is now... when he went into treatment, there had been no arrangement for us to be able to see him...

he had worked his butt off just to be able to graduate with the highest honors... in whatever endeavor, he makes the most use of his talents just to be able to deliver and if possible, always deliver with aplomb... but at what cost?

the greatest irony of it all is the fact that his diagnosis came at a time when he already has found someone to share his dreams with... just when he was already starting to take concrete steps in realizing his dreams which for the most part, is simply just to enjoy life to the fullest....

In "No Apologies" (Twisted, 1995) which was a piece coinciding with the occasion of Kurt Cobain's first (the Nirvana frontman who committed suicide in 1994) death anniversary, Jessica Zafra wrote," Anguish is certainly romantic - if in the course of your anguish you discover some truth about yourself. If you turn this pain and ugliness into something sublime, if it brings about your redemption..."

why think about death when you haven't even seen the rest of what this life can still offer? if at the moment you don't feel right, then perhaps its time to veer a little into the left - the less conventional way of seeing and doing things. if you must feel tired, it must be because you just need a little rest... it doesn't mean that you have to wish for an "eternal peace"... and no, death does not give peace... it is oblivion and it does not allow one to turn back...

i hate i when people ask me if I'll be sad if ever told that they've been diagnosed with a terminal sickness.... truth is, i don't actually. i don't get sad. i get angry. no one has the right to hurt people that much ... not when you could have helped yourself in the first place...
***
if you are reading this at the moment, yes, this goes out to you too...
***
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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