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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Why

17th April 2005
2:30 a.m.


I'm gonna write to you again. Here. Now... just as I'm finding it hard to breathe.
What happened to us? Whatever did you do to me ? What did you become? Who are you now ? Where did my friend go ? Why hurt me like this when you very well know how I'd be feeling?

I loved you way too much. I cared so much. I did not plan on that. I did not ask to be your friend. I did not ask for you. We became what we were because we both chose to. What I can't understand now is why did you just turn your back on all those years of friendship and left me in the cold. The least that you could've done is to show me some respect; bid me a proper farewell. All I ever wanted from, and asked of you was honesty. You could've given me that.
I love you still but I'm growing tired of it. I'm even finding it hard to really cry. But there are lots of times that even when guarded, these tears fall.

If you're here now, I might embarrass you by crying. It would be the first time in our entire history that I'd be doing it. But why should I hide them? These tears are for you. They are all what's inside of me - a profound sadness caused by all that's been beautiful and tragic between us...
I should hate you. I'd rather cry.

I hope I could still see you, if only to know what my heart will tell me when I do.
I love you. It's a love that I'd rather but won't ever forget. It opened my heart to infinite possibilities. It made my life a miracle of miracles, being one that upholds and expects all that's beautiful, good, and true. You may not have taught me much but my love for you did. If only for that, I hope that whoever's holding your heart right now will care for it more than I did, or tried to do. And I hope that you also learn to see the world the way that love taught me to. May your happiness outweigh your sadness and last of all, may you be spared the pain that your silence and, what I now know and understand as your 'turning away' has caused me...

... and to think that all I ever really did ask you was "k'musta ka na?"
I could not even end this and write 'Goodbye'. I could never turn my back on you. That's why I hope to see you soon... that I may be able to see you literally walk away from me .... Til that day then. Ciao!
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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