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Thursday, April 20, 2006

In Memoriam

...i've been wearing black the past three days. those who would've noticed are not around to do so. suffice it is to say that a part of me is grieving...

it was a curious thing this afternoon when i accidentally was informed that what i thought was the reason why our group leader came to class just to sign the attendance, was no class project at all but a way to remember a dear friend who had already gone but a year ago.her eyes were dry while she was telling me this aboard the Toki but she was on the verge of tears...and hearts don't lie. its either you feel pain or you don't. sometimes its easier to just surrender; to let the pain get the best of you just so you could feel alive....

when something or someone very dear to us is lost, a part of us goes with them, and we are never the same.there is always this numbing coldness that chills us from the inside even as we remember them in our best and most cherished memories. i am not just talking about those who have died but simply everyone and everything we have lost in one way or another. the thing is we can never bring them back, no matter what we do and however hard we wish for it.... because each moment is absolute, in the same sense that nothing can ever undo all the beauty that their presence had made in our lives, so are the times we have spent with the things dearest to us cannot be brought back or repeated in any way. all we can do is think of a way to somehow live with the pain; deal with it in whatever way we can like some wounded soldier whose bullet wounds aches in bad weather. in time, the pain itself recedes but the memory stays on... and so it goes that whenever we remember them we are happy... because those were the times when we were most alive...yet we cry because we know that it will never happen again, making the memory ever more precious.

this is what our lives mean... that we should strive to grow in strength and in love and to make the most out of every opportunity to be truly happy because our mortal lives are too short. there is so much joy in life and it is always such a shame that we we never get to realize these things until it is almost too late. we are always too busy with material things and our own egos - with our foolish pride, to just reach out and share meaningful moments with those closest to our hearts.

we all have lost something, in one way or another - parents, siblings, mentors,friends, a favorite book or toy or jewelry or friendship bracelet... the thing is,no matter whet we lost there is still an US. we still EXIST. and we can still LIVE. and there are always people out there with whom we can share our lives with and create meaning.... instead of lingering on things we can never have again, we must make the most out of creating ever beautiful memories with those that we are still with. if we live life this way, we become like the bluebird - harbinger of love and joy. and when we too would have gone, we would have made somebody smile because at one point in their lives, we were there to share those moments with them; we have enriched others simply by our refusal to just be empty shells of misery...

so again i say, please take time... hug your mom and your dad. for once say "I love you" and really mean it. express your love. show tenderness. feel for somebody. do a spontaneous act of kindness. deliberately choose to be kind. forgive. write a long overdue letter to an old friend even just to tell that you simply remember her. send a sweet and inspiring message that you yourself composed; one that is not forwarded.figure out the meaning of a song's lyrics. steal a kiss. give someone a flower even if its a wild one. laugh over nothing. cry over nothing. share food, smiles, laughter and tears.finally see how the trees dance in the wind. notice the changing of the skies between sunrise and sunset. greet a butterfly. listen to the chirping of the birds. breathe in deeply. watch the sunrise. engage in meanigful conversations. pray. talk to yourself. smile at your own reflection. write your thoughts. dare to be happy because it really is worth all the pain... dare to share your life with someone....

live to the fullest because life really is too short. we are all living on borrowed time.

for Dian Ramos, and in fond memory of cousin Roy (August 15, 1986-April 14, 2006)

kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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