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Saturday, August 19, 2006

life-crazy

kaigachi... a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha”, which translates as "crazy". i came across this word back in high school when we were tasked to search for pictures in back issues of the National Geographic, which my junior Research teacher could reproduce through his camera-with-the-mile-long-lense. I actually could not remember the exact Japanese terminology, but the article was about one of the Japanese islands where the original Ainus were from. in describing the people indulging in one of the popular pastimes in that particular area, which is horse-racing, a compound term meaning horse-crazy was used. the 'crazy' part in the said term was 'kaigachi'...

'crazy'. in the simplest and most comprehensive of descriptions, that's what i basically am. nothing is ever what it seems. this applies to everything, including me. no matter what you think i may seem to be, i am that. i may seem aloof, true, but behind that facade is someone who might be at the moment just busy planning about the next birthday surprise... or the next mock world war... ;p i might come across as more than someone very snobbish but truth is, i just am almost always very shy... i may seem very confident at times... well, who wouldn't be if at the moment, your mind is actually focused on something else... or if the one you are conversing with is a good friend, or simply just someone very close to your heart...

most people tend to see me as a perfectionist, or (as I have found out just recently) just a very spoiled kid - one who has very high (higher than my 5'0 height?! duh?!) standards and who always expects to be given the best of everything... there is actually some truth to that statement. i really am spoiled to some extent. and yes, i always expect the best in everything. these things however, to my knowledge, does not equate to being a perfectionist. while it may be true that nothing is perfect, i think it is possible. it is, however, relative. nothing can ever be perfect unless we regard them to be. as for myself, i am more of an idealist. i always strive to see the ideal in everything, and if i could, to do the ideal thing. it may be 'very high standards' for some. although i expect the best from people most of the time, it only means that it is because i have set the same goal for myself. i will not ask other people to give me the same amount of commitment that i myself could not give. it doesn't mean that there is no room for me to consider anything less. this is very much true when it comes to people i love. when i have already regarded someone as an extension of myself, that doesn't mean that he or she has to be as crazy as i am. i don't and won't expect him or her to always agree with my perspectives, nor to do what they think are the things i want. with love, idealism takes on a single meaning: HONESTY. i only expect the people i love to stay true to themselves; to be REAL. i love what is mine, and what is mine i regard as very precious. that 'very precious' part is exactly why i loved someone. it is his essence, and therefore, worthy of every ounce of respect, no matter what others may think or feel about it.

i could go on and on describing how i usually feel, or think or how i view life in general but... to what purpose? Dr. Ethel Mcpherson, author of the book Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters, wrote,"In the deepest sense, we come to know very few people, and so may always treasure those few with whom we enacted those basic dramas that shaped our identities and destinies." Simply said, you (yep, the one reading this...) are a stranger to me, or at least, would most probably be... Unless by some strange twist of fate, our paths cross, you will never really get to understand things the way I do... In fact, now that I think about it, yeah, what i just said is ridiculous... hehe... Nobody could really understand the way I understand things simply because there is no one else like me. Some may emphatize, or may think along similar lines of thought, but no one could actually SEE things the way I do. Our individual uniqueness makes it impossible.

I see that I have digressed... Heck! It has been quite fun to just write without formally organizing my thoughts... I actually have that as my goal most of the time; that is, to just write out of feeling, never minding the grammar, the unity or the coherence (hehe... 'chaos' is a lame word to describe my thoughts) of what i'm supposed to be saying.

When I first had the idea of writing about my being life-crazy/ life-kaigachi (would anyone please tell me the Japanese term for 'life'?), I had planned expounding on my passions ... to say how crazy I am about music (I listen to almost every genre) and poetry (both literary and visual), to rave about my addiction to the wild and beautiful (stray weeds, unusual flowers, the endless surprises to what pattern the clouds will take on next, the unrelenting grandness of every sunset and sunrise, a stranger's smile, someone's mysteriousness or elusiveness, the dancing of the trees, the drama of a passing storm...), my firm belief in miracles (it happens everyday,in every way you can think of... even when you don't expect it... but especially if you do), and my belief in kindness (it makes all things beautiful) and love (it makes everything more profound, and so much more beautiful)... But then, this is getting to be a long article... a somewhat tiresome reading material... so ciao! just check on my upcoming posts I guess.
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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