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Thursday, August 03, 2006

will remain... UNSENT!

There are a lot of things that I wanted so much to tell you; to open up; to confess... hell, to just share as if you're someone who'd truly understand all the secrets of my heart. There is just so much that I want you to know but you're not here. Still I'd like to say them, with the hope that someday I'd be given a chance to once again share my life with you.

I don't know where you are now. You have gone so far that I'm not sure if I can still reach you. My heart can no longer feel you. I don't even know if you still know me or will be able to recognize me, or can still remember that we have once been friends. Sometimes I even get this lingering fear that I may have lost you; that I may not have lost you due to the distance but because you have chosen to just forget your past. It's scaring me to tears...

I miss you. Words cannot tell just how much. I know life must go on. It has been but two years and yet, sometimes it feels like a lifetime has come to pass. I try to get by. I am getting by. There are weeks even months that goes by without a single thought of you disturbing my seeming peace- a very brittle and fragile one. One word, one familiar gesture, a single melody and the flood of memories again assails me and bring me back to the days when I at last seem to have found you. The littlest things could trigger this overwhelming yearning to just see you again.

I have written about Home; have wondered how it would feel like to finally find it. Weird because every time I think about it, I am simultaneously reminded of how comforting your presence in my life had been. Never had I yet met anyone whose simple presence could suffuse my being with warmth and a feeling akin to contentment... Peace? Perhaps. Being with you had always been a blessing. Those were times when the world, no matter how messy things may seem, had always felt right. That brings me to this one disturbing doubt: could you be Home?

"Could you be Home?" It is a far scarier thought than anything else simply because I can't and won't ever get to know the answer to that unless somehow our paths cross again, a thought which leads me to the next question: When? Will I ever see you again?

It was a fine thing that you left. A good thing considering that I was then on the verge of "obsessing" over the fact that my mind is always with thoughts of you. I was hounded by fears which I cannot understand nor even name. I wanted so much to be assured, to be comforted. I wanted so much to just be near you and thru you, seek solace from the storm raging inside my heart, hurting me enough to wonder if my angels have left me. And then I was told about your approaching departure... Know what? The memory of that particular moment still has the power to envelope me in numbing coldness the way it did before.

Everything then became frozen. The only fire left within is a searing pain borne out of the realization that I'm on the verge of losing you, and I can't and I don't want to let you go. A blackhole opened up and in came rushing a flood of tears. I cried.

I cried because I felt cheated. To have known that you were leaving in barely a month's time was something I could already consider as a cruel trick. I cried because I cannot seem to find a moment to just reconnect with you. I cried because I'm afraid I won't be able to, not anymore and not ever. I cried because it was then that I realized just how much you really mean to me.

I could not remember any other time when I've cried as much as I did back then. I cried every time I am reminded of you. Tears fall and sadness overwhelms me whenever I think of you leaving. Every night, I lull myself to sleep, crying. I cried until my eyes and my heart were both sore. Every time I steel myself and say the I am through crying, fresh tears spill out and saddens me even more.

Do you know that I still do? I still am driven to tears by thoughts of you. To say that I miss you is trite. When you left, a part of me went with you and I long for it to come back. That yearning is growing stronger with the passing of years.

Why? Why yearn and not just forget? And why does forgetting have to come in spells? Why can’t it last? Why does every remembrance have to bring me back to the aching truth that I love you and I cannot forget?

It has been two years and the days are still counting. I'm thinking about life and where my own is headed to. I'm thinking about destiny; about how the surprising and unseemly things that I'm finding myself a part of these days are connected to whatever eventuality that there is tomorrow. Are you somehow, in the strangest of coincidences, a part of that? Again that question: are you "Home" - that one heart, one soul, one mind, one strength, one infinite eternity to whom I rightfully belong to? After everything else that has come to pass... no. I guess it is but a memory that I'm holding on to.

Nothing was ever certain. For a change, I wish something already is or at least by tomorrow, something will be.

Wherever you are, I wish you well. I only have the fondest feelings and thoughts for you. I also pray that wherever you are, you will always bask in the light and warmth of God's enduring grace and love and that somehow, He won't allow you to forget at least the things in the past that have been beautiful and worth-keeping. I hope that includes memories of our friendship.

I love you still. I don't know for how long. I just know that I do. I can't know if you are the home that I'm yearning to at last come to. I'll just have to wait and see. But then, if home is where the heart is, then perhaps you somewhat are. Then I'm certain to share my life again with you in the not-so-distant future. Now, what a happy thought...

Amen.

You are among this life's many blessings that I am very thankful for.



3:30 AM, May 06, 2004
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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