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Sunday, September 24, 2006

A Sorta Fairytale...


How do you call “friend” someone who had chosen to be a stranger? Wala ka namang choice dun, hindi ba? So why should I ever be made to feel guilty, just because I am now choosing to let go of someone who had long ago abandoned me? Yeah, its one of those damning moments of life again…

Sabi nila, bitter daw ako. Of course I am. I never aspired for sainthood, never wished to be one. There’s no reason for me not to feel bitter as well as angry and again, for the umpteenth time, just plain, fucking sad. I am, after all, just human.... (although time and again, I have wished to have the patience and kindness of angels) I feel! Or kailangan ba, makita pa na umiiyak ako para lang masabi na marunong pala ako’ng masaktan?

For too long, I have been writing about this, about US or what could have been an Us – two persons bounded by friendship. For too long, I had believed in the fairytale of us being friends. That no matter how distant the miles or how long the years, the bond will still be there and it can only grow strong. He was someone very important in my young life. I have loved him like he was a best friend, although I never labeled anyone as such. He was almost like family; the closest male friend I’ve had during my most important teenage years. He was closer to me then than my real brothers. That was WHY. That was THEN. So how come we became what we were? In the four years since they migrated, he wrote but once, and never again. It was that simple and that tragic. Simply said, it was because he chose to. He knew all along it would hurt me much. From what happened, I could only infer that, just like in the song, he had simply chosen to lose me (or us, his old friends) in favor of a new life.

Of course I am bitter and angry and sad. That doesn’t mean though that I can’t forgive him. I have loved him (“very much”, if I may add) once, and, if my senior highschool teacher is to be believed about the existence of “inner selves”, then I guess parts of me will always love him so. And of course, there will be a lot of things that I won’t be able to forget about this sort-of fairytale… lessons, of which there have been many:

First, that it is possible to feel so cold, so frozen and still hurt.

Second, that you just think you can love unrequited. Really, haven’t it occurred to you that rivers only flow because the water has got to come from somewhere?

Third, that friendship, like all relationships, has got to be two-way. Otherwise, there is NO existing relationship. It’s only a product of your imagination.

Fourth, love does hurt to a point, but not so much as to have you feeling ashamed of yourself and of the things that it drives you to do. Self-respect is always a must. To feel like you are already stalking someone just to get information is not to feel “self-respecting”.

Fifth, you just think you CANNOT LET GO. But you can. It just takes time and a little more self-respect and self-love. It just may take years of waking up aching, and years of crying yourself to sleep because you just (damn!!!) cannot forget…. But you will come to, if not forget, at least accept that there is no way you can change things; no way to undo all the hurt; no way to change that other person and make him finally see, for once, that you matter, and so for the love of mother Earth, will you please at least wipe your tears and try to just move on?!

Sixth, that love is not blind but it can blind you. For a while there, you think the world is conspiring to hurt you just because one person does not care. But hey, haven’t you ever wondered if there are people around you who care so much about you but you just can’t see and appreciate them because you’re too blinded by your hurt?

Seventh, this is your life. What you do with it and the time that you are given to enjoy it, is all of your own choosing. If you do not pull yourself together, even if you feel “so hurt” (a pity!), you just might waste away every, and what could be your “only” , chance to really be happy. You weren’t created to waste away waiting for one person’s attention. You have a purpose which is so much more important that that. Get your act together before it’s too late.

Eight, to hell (!) with what other people does or doesn’t understand. It’s what you get to understand AND learn (as in “wisdom”: applied knowledge) that matters. And if expressing your pain in the most public of venues/ media (like this blog…) is your way of coping and overcoming and letting go, to hell with what the whole world may think. Again, it is your life. You define it. You make the rules. Follow it. As long as you don’t go around intentionally stepping on others’ toes, or worse, thinking of getting revenge (I shudder to even think about it…) you’ll be fine.

Ninth, all the honesty in the world cannot shield you from being hurt, or rejected, or unappreciated, or misunderstood. Simply said, things happen both as natural consequences and… just because. But you have to believe that everything has a reason. You get hurt because you cannot appreciate happiness or even the simple joys if you don’t know how it feels to be unhappy. And learning how to overcome sorrows is one way of knowing your strength.

Tenth, don’t run away from pain. Face it because it has lessons to teach you – lessons of hope, of compassion and forgiveness, of endurance and resilience, of love… In its own weird way, pain can be beautiful because if you choose to see it using a most positive perspective, it can teach you what the words “redemption”, “profoundness”, “love”, “life” are all about. Even better, it prepares you for a greater love and greater happiness… even if fairytales are not for real.

***
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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