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Monday, February 12, 2007

Abstracted Innocence

I have had my own experiences of losing things that can never be retrieved again. Right now, in coming face-to-face with another truth about myself, I think I have just lost one aspect of my innocence.

Why does it have to happen? Why do we have to give up things in order to acquire something? Why do we always have to make certain choices? For once in my life, I wish I have not wished to be this much aware about myself.

It should have been a good thing. To be able to know what I have just known is actually a liberation because to know more about one’s self is always an invitation to understand more about the world and life in general. But then, I have known all along that these feelings of uncertainty are but mere byproducts of guilt. It’s because I know that, when asked pointblank about how I feel, I definitely would give an honest answer that would very much hurt someone. I actually find it very ironic and, yes, cruel. I never thought I could be someone who is capable of such a thing – to love someone at one moment, only to grow tired of that someone for no reason at all. Cruel indeed! How else can one describe it?

I have been pondering about it for some time now. What exactly happened? Was it because I have grown too cynical, and that cynicism had just lately revealed itself? Had I been too rash perhaps; too quick to profess love when I was just plain amused? How come that something so beautiful should fade into a boring gray that quickly? I have always loved a mystery and have always found it to be a beautiful thing I will willingly lose myself into. Right now though, I feel that all mystery has gone. If there remain traces of it, I just simply am not interested anymore. I still care though. But that’s just that. Translate that into my experience, it means “tragedy”. While it’s true that I either care or not, I also either love or not. At this point, for the first time, I no longer feel the love. Weird cause I’m not even sad, just puzzled. Is this one of the after effects of losing all expectations?

Perhaps it’s the 'phoenix-syndrome' in me. I have almost laid everything on the line in hopes that I would finally find something worth that risk. Too bad cause this early, I have already discovered that it wasn’t what I wanted after all. The comedy in the situation is that I have barely closed a chapter, yet I am already very eager to start a new one. This doesn’t seem like me at all. Just when have I been this fickle?!

Sometimes though, I do feel sad. I have cared. I know for sure that I have loved. How come that I have not been able to sustain the feeling; make it last? How will this translate to my future relationships? Have I really lost my faith? There are certain moments when I feel that I already do…

These days I often find myself willingly mixing with the busy MRT crowd, hoping to just get lost among them and be “accidentally” found by someone…It never happens though. I doubt that it ever will. Then I would know again despair that will again shatter this already fragile, fragile shell. Surprisingly, whenever it happens or is on the verge of happening, it never really mattered. It never was manifested. I never ever told. Nobody ever noticed….

Funny that I use the word “innocence” when all this time, I was actually referring to my faith… my soul.

p.s. save me. 
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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