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Monday, June 11, 2007

Sick- Cycle Depression

2:25 AM 6/11/2007

I now am coming to realize just why again I am in such an off-beat way these past several weeks. It's June. It's almost August. It's again that time of year when I always get the most disturbing, and almost always, the old recurring dreams. It is that time of year again where I am in my usual very moody, very vulnerable and feeling-helpless state. i have just come to understand that this recurring depression, this state of inaction is actually an anxiety attack that has to do with the time of year - school opening, nearing birthday - the sort of stuff when the financial problems are at its most problematic, and when you get to simultaneously look back and then move forward regardless of having a clear direction... an exercise which usually is most depressing. This year has a different thing to it however. The anxieties are taken to a much higher level because I am actually approaching yet another crossroad in my life; another "WHAT NEXT?!!"

so here i am. i am yet again wrestling with myself - my will and all, struggling to just forget the million butterflies in my stomach and finally get my thesis done, make new plans,and proceed with my life. I am struggling not just to finally tie all loose ends from my past but also to reconnect with it. i want to come full circle and in the process, not just grow up but get back to the basic things that have defined and continually defines who I am.

its really kind of crazy that with all that we go through in our lives, life is deceptively simple. it just brings us back to the things that in our youth, we have tried our damnest to get away from - like talent we thought weren't worth anything, our families, our old friends and enemies, our dreams which we thought were too foolish to begin with to even try making them come true.... Yet in the end we not just remember them. we come back to them. life leads us back to them. its then that we realize that the things that defined us still continues to do so - the circle of life.

with all the difficulties and challenges that we have to go through, times like these are the hardest. personally, i can tell the difference because it is during times like these when all i want to do is sleep myself away, wishing that when I wake up, the moment has magically transformed itself to a time when everything is better, happier, more positive. but of course, i can't just dream my life away. i need to act. that's what i am struggling to do now, and i mean not "TRY" but "DO." GOD be my strength!

2:54 AM 6/11/2007
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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