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Thursday, September 22, 2005

Reality Check!

Some friends might as well be gone. Those who have been too selfish to care, who have been too selfishly silent; those who have forgotten. They're better off forgotten too and at once, or at least until you have forced your stubborn and stupid heart to follow the dictates of logic.

It was indeed a booming reality check to see that an old friend is already living a life that no longer includes, much less acknowledges "Us". I've known that and had pointed it as a fact to our friends several times but it was me who really had a hard time accepting it and integrating it in my everyday reality.

I live in two worlds. Like the coral in my "crystal ball"-like paper weight, I walk in the chaotic 'real' world while contained in a shell of music, poetry, reflections, soliloquies, memories, visions and dreams where I struggle to see everything in their proper yet most positive light. This shell is my strength, my protective shield. Its where my godhead lives that's why it demands so much from me. I must always strive to keep it illuminated as brightly as possible with thoughts of hope, joy and beauty. Lately I've felt its power weakening. It has been so hard to just get lost in my thoughts; to condense all that I am in a particular moment into words and pour it all on paper as if it were fluid matter. Yes, my daemon is still here but its driving power is quite weak. I badly need to get lost in my 'rain of white light', NOW! I need to express myself. I need to let go but first, I need to start finding the answers to "How?"

How do you reach out for someone who has put himself beyond your grasp; who has actually turned away and created a brand new life without you, purposely because its what he wants? How do you let him go? How do you convince yourself to just live without anything to do with him? How do you walk away from something that has been an integral part of you for most of your caring life? How do you teach yourself to get over that which had never been? and how do you do away with all these questions?

I don't want to care about him anymore; if possible, to do as he did. I still get confused as to why it is so hard to do just that. When it already seems that "friendship is but an empty word and love matters not", what more reason do I have to continue caring?

I have to deal, be it in any way. For the meantime I'm shaking the sands in my "crystal ball". I am contemplating on each shining sparkle and how I could add such ones in my life despite all this sadness. I am letting them swirl and catch the light. To do so brightens my crystal ball. It also makes my coral appear infinitely fragile and beautiful, and less lonely -- I hope in my life, I could have as many "sparkling sands" as that coral in my crystal ball.
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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