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Friday, November 23, 2007

pusong-mamon

"WHAT DOES NOT DESTROY YOU MAKE YOU STRONGER"

... crap! hurting does make u stronger in ways if u survive it, but it does destroy. some things eventually end up broken and it is not just your heart nor pride. sometimes, when it really is that bad, you end up with a broken spirit which is so much worse than ending up with a broken heart.

there have not been many people who have been able to hurt me that much. i guess i've been quite careful. it's what others call self-preservation. still, i've been quite broken. i grieved. i mourned. it took me years. to this day, it still hurt, even if just sometimes.

i can never take back the things that i have lost, innocence most of all. two instances, yet it seemed like i've been drained of that kind of faith that only a child without trauma has. i fear i can no longer trust people that way. it will be just about me and how much i trust myself, having learned the painful lesson that i cannot trust that which i have no control over - things which are not mine: their minds, their hearts.

i stil hate it - that feeling of being rudely made aware. i could have hurt not because they chose to be selfish but only because accepting the inevitable was way too much too soon. anything would have been less tragic than the fact that they just don't care that much, if at all! sometimes i hate them too for what they've allowed to happen without warning. but damn! i still care. i have loved them once and for that, i guess i'll be damned for life to always care. they're both happy now. i hope they really are. i'd hurt if they're not.

ah, Love! the price that we have to pay for daring to know you! and yet to never do is even a greater suffering. what choice do we mortals have?! would it that a broken heart remain broken for good because most often, healing is a process more painful than the breaking. to be human and to be cursed... tsk! and to be so blessed! ah, Love!

kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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