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Friday, May 02, 2008

Lately



Lately, my world crashed. Hindi lang halata. Ayoko kasi hayaan na ma-overwhelm ako ng problema to the point na mabulag ako sa natitirang pag-asa at piliing magpakamatay na lang. I refuse to be swept away. I refuse to want to die. I refuse to believe na masisira na lahat ng bagay na mahal ko at pinagpaguran ko dahil lang sa mga nangyayari. It's stupid to want to die, and I have to remind it to myself everyday. Hindi naman kasi titigil ang mundo at magluluksa para sa akin. Walang magiging epekto ang drama ko sa ibang tao. Sayang sa effort. It's the same thing na hindi titigil ang takbo ng mundo at ng buhay ko dahil lang nagkaproblema ako ng ganito. Not unless I choose to end my life, it won't. Kaya, ayun. Iiyak ako pag di ko na kayang pigilin. Yung iba, idadaan ko na lang sa sulat, trabaho, pagkain, at panalangin.

Ang hirap, hirap magmahal. Hindi mo alam kung kelan ka dapat magbigay, kung kelan ka dapat magdamot, kung kelan dapat magparaya. Ang hirap kasi hindi mo alam kung kelan na yung sobra. At nakakapagod maghintay. Pero ganun yata talaga. In the end, even if it really isn't enough, love is indeed all that matters. Yung pinaka-weakness mo, yun din yung pinaka-pinagkukunan mo ng lakas.

* * *
April 27 was supposed to be my graduation day. Now I know it wasn't meant to be so dahil nangyari nga itong bagay na ito. It was really a wake-up call na hindi por que nagre-remind ka lagi, sinusunod ka. And it also drove home the point that we can only be responsible to a certain extent when it comes to the lives of our loved ones. In the end, choices lang ang maibibigay natin, not decisions. May kanya-kanya kasi tayong buhay.
* * *
Funny. I have this tendency to refrain from writing when I am most confused or hurting. Kasi nga naman, to write things down is to actualize them in a way. Writing makes things more substantial, ; more "real," because thought is translated to a form that is understandable to most. It makes me more vulnerable. Pero hindi. I should return to my old practice of just mirroring my thoughts and feelings. Importante sa akin 'to. This is my life, the only one I'll ever have. Sino pa ang magtiya-tiyagang magsulat tungkol sa buhay ko to record it kung di ako lang. And one thing I've also just realized - writing down a memory is preserving it in a way that would make you experience it more fully than if captured on photo. When you are at the height of emotion, the mind has a way of expressing itself in a way that would enable you to feel exactly the same, even reading it years after.... especially if you still care.
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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