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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The necessity of pain.

10:37 AM 10/9/2009

This is something that's long overdue. It took me sometime before I could complete my thoughts and more importantly, answer my own disturbing questions.

Something happened last month. It made me think. It forced me to consider things that makes me want to just stop breathing, at least until the world is right again. So I tried very hard to identify lessons that I should be learning so that somehow, it will dull all the pain and make the hurt worthwhile. I did my best.

I realized that the reason why people who are closest to you can hurt you the most is NOT because they are the ones who really know you and understand you that being so, they'd know how to really hurt you and will do so consciously and with clear intent. Well, not always. Actually, they are able to hurt us the most because they are the ones whom we EXPECT to really understand us. It is quite difficult to accept things when they fall short of our expectations, so we end up disillusioned and hurting.  It really sucks because if people who really know us can't understand us, then who does?
  
Pain is indeed necessary. Sometimes, we really have to hurt so much so that certain truths can pierce through the illusions which we have blinded ourselves with. It is like cracking a shell to get to the egg. The shell has to be broken first. Too bad that human shells involves two "precious" things - pride and heart. Ugh!

That when things fall apart, it is very easy to just let go and stop caring especially if it is the only way to stop hurting. But when you do, nothing seems to matter anymore. How can it be when you can no longer feel? It is no longer a life, but an existence. It is so very easy to conclude that nobody cares. And since that's the way things are, why should you care too?

It is moments like these that help define a life. They make you ask and answer the hardest and most painful of questions, which are usually also the most important ones: What do I really want? What would make me happy? What is the right thing to do? What is more important to me? What are my priorities? Where do I go from here? ...

In the end, it just occurred to me that all I ever want to do - really really do and am praying that I will be able to accomplish in my short life - is to be free to live my life to the fullest. I'd just like to enjoy as much as I can and to learn things and share them with whoever may care to share things with me. Simple as it may seem to be, sometimes it is just way too simpler to hold on to anger and pride and hurt. It is easier but, at what cost? I have learned so far that everything in life requires some amount of effort. I'd rather be using my time on the better things - those that will fulfill me and make life for me and for other people easier, happier, more fruitful, and filled to overflowing with good memories.

Pain can be a friend. I am teaching myself to acknowledge it with an open heart and an open mind. I am teaching myself to consider it always as but a passing moment. Because it  is actually just that - a moment when life is giving us a wake up call and forcing us to pay attention so that, by hook or by crook, we learn.
      "Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, cooperation, and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking paying greater attention to the external world," Forgas wrote.  "Our research suggests that sadness ... promotes information processing strategies best suited to dealing with more demanding situations." - from http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091103/lf_nm_life/us_mood_memory

kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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