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Saturday, February 13, 2010

Cheesy. For always.

"Tempora mutantur et nos mutantur in illis."
The times change, and we change with them.
People do change. However, essences remain. I do not know if I am referring to the human soul. I just believe that people are also like flowing water. The water flowing on the same spot is not the same water that was there a second ago because the original water has gone to the direction it was flowing towards. Yet it is water still; the same element, yet slightly different. And the difference depends on the environment where the water has been. If it has been to muddy places, it will appear murky and taste bitter. If it has  been through clean forest floors, it will taste pure, and perhaps slightly flavored with forest leaves.

It has been years since I wrote the crazily candid kuwentong lav layf. So much has happened and things have changed and yet, even if I am no longer the same person who wrote that, I still am essentially the same. I am still "unfound." I still am the dead-tired, half-asleep chubby girl in braids making her way through the vicious rush-hour MRT crowd. I haven't gotten around to wearing a name plate. I never believed that it would really help.

Like a river, I would have loved to joyously flow towards the sea while remaining hopeful and not murky. But for the longest time, I have just been "hovering". I hurt, I cried, I laughed, but in the deepest places, nothing is going on - a deadly calm. I was frighteningly passive, just drifting from one episode to the next without really taking an active part in the drama.

Dr. Ethel Person wrote that "...our secret fear is that nothing can move us."  So it is with me. My heart seems to need proof that it is still here and beating, ridiculously waiting for one grand passion  that may or may not ever come. I need proof "...That my heart is alive and not dead. (I'll Be, Edwin McCain)"

Times have changed and so did I. Some of the things I have written then now appear plainly ridiculous and highly amusing to me. I am a simpler person now with simpler expectations but I still yearn for the same essential thing. I still yearn to be found; to come home just like everybody else. To wait like this is foolishness but I'd rather believe that it will happen soon. I have been trying to unlearn it but my heart always insists. It will be so hard to change that about me. Love is the hope that everyone aspires to.  I'm just one of the crowd.

kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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