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Saturday, February 06, 2010


I was farming through the catalog cards when I felt this disturbing tug that always occur when my thoughts, no matter how busy I am with any task, have focused on something and has gathered enough gravity as to bother me and make me pay attention. It was telling me just how hard and lonely and frustrating it is to always want to express; to write.

Is it also the same with musicians and artists? It feels like being pursued, haunted by a force you can't run away from, whatever you do. You have to find a way to exorcise it, to express it because in the end, it will drive you crazy if you don't. But the depths! It can drive you to despair as much as it can enlighten you. It is so scary and painful - like picking tiny glass shards from a deep wound.

So much of my life is revealed through writing. If to be like this is to feel haunted, how about those at the other side of the coin; those who do not feel as strongly about writing as I do? How do they express the rich life that is within?

I believe that every soul has a side that is passionate and deep and disturbing in its power. How do they deal with it? How do they make it breathe? How do they reconcile it with everyday life?

I do ask. And feel. Too much. But I think this is better than to feel nothing and remain unaffected. To be alive and yet dead.... It will make the dead laugh, and move them to pity.

kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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