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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Closure.

For years, even before I began blogging, I have been writing about a friend who has left for distant shores. It was my therapy. It was my own way of processing the hurt, the confusion, and the loneliness that his leaving had made me feel. I have already said my goodbyes a few years ago, finally accepting that we already have separate lives and that it is high time I stop mourning for a friendship that has died a long time ago. Yet still, in my heart I waited. I kept count of the years, knowing that it will all end finally when I get to see him again; when he, at last, comes home.  He did. And I never got to see him. 

I refused to believe that in the month that he stayed, there never was really time to see his old friends if he really wanted to. So I was left to wonder again. Was he scared? What was he scared of? Did he not miss us? Maybe it really is as I've thought before- he no longer cares. Damn him! 

I waited seven years to finally realize what a selfish, cowardly person he really is. And it made me sad. I had hoped that in those long years, he would have become a better person especially since he already had a better life after being through so much. So it made me angry. I could not help it. But then, I had to remember the generosity of his brother who helped me understand the things that had caused him to have "amnesia" and to finally forgive him for all the bitterness in my heart. So I was angry. Then, the anger was gone. I realized I was even lucky because I learned patience in those seven years and that, after everything that has happened, I still have so much to live for, so much choices in what to do with my life. 

This is the end of my "fairy tale friendship." This is my closure.
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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