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Friday, January 07, 2011

Falling in.

"Falling in love is like jumping off a tall building."
I am dead scared. Still. And I do not know what to do about it.

The cold wind rushing past my face that brought this realization was both balm and bite to my numbed heart. I am so tired of theory but so many excuses are available to hasten my retreat whenever I feel the least temptation to just give in. And now, two decades later, I still am. Alone. Waiting.

Hope. I have never lost it and yet, it may have come in another more insistent form this time - the voice of a stranger who can be a friend. It merely repeated everything I have ever told myself in the past years. And yet, how it made me see. I'd like to hate it because it made me yearn, the strength of which is now magnified a hundredfold. It made me want to break free from my rational self and just feel. But how? How can I give in to so much vulnerability? I am dead scared that I'd lose myself and won't be able to find my way back.

I need to let go. I need to fall. In the words of Lestat de Lioncourt, I need for my fears to start "breaking the shell around me so that something else could spring to life".

Someone, someone...

I need someone to grab my hand and make the jump with me.

"... although it's hard and scares me so, a life without you scares me more." - The Last Flight Out / Plus One
12:29 AM 1/7/2011
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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