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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Phobic: Fear no. 1 - The fear of being misunderstood

Who you are speaks so loudly, I can't hear you.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have had the chance to have some continuous quiet in my life recently. It has forced me to do some serious reflection.

I realized that my past, most especially the last three years, has been greatly defined by fear - the fear of being misunderstood by people who I have great respect for, and also by those who I love most. It is true that because of them, I have achieved so much. However, it is also true that because I hold their opinions in very high regard, I have allowed myself to be confined to a life that is defined by what they expect, what they deem respectable, and what they regard as important based on their values and other similar criteria. In so wanting to make them proud and also, to keep their affection and trust, I have lived by their rules. They, in effect, have defined my life. I have allowed them to.

There is actually nothing wrong with it except that my life is not theirs to begin with. It is mine. And even with my consent, it still feels like I have done a misdeed. I have cruelly tricked myself into believing that I was in control but all along, I have allowed my fear to prevent me from  living a more fulfilling life. One proof is how I have kept myself from writing, especially these last three years. I have been so afraid of being misunderstood that I have kept my opinions and beliefs and my dreams and my plans to myself. I have chosen to disregard how writing is actually a celebration of my own life and that it doesn't really matter what other people may think. It is because no matter how much people like or hate me, in the end, they will still think and feel as they would like to, and there is really nothing that I can do about that. They will just react and judge because it is human nature to do so. In the end, what I write will still be about me and my life and only those who love me very, very much will ever really give a shit about it.

There will always be things that I will be afraid of. I just don't want my fears to keep me from living the life that I want and would like to deserve.

Aside from living without affecting anyone or anything, I fear being unloved most of all. But as I am learning with love, even when people cannot understand me, the ones who really love me stay. It is never a question of whether I deserve what they have and would like to give to me because their love alone has justified it already. And should they decide that I am unworthy, God redeems. I will always be precious to God and be loved by Him, no matter what.
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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