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Saturday, February 11, 2012

Phobic: Fear no. 2 - The fear of falling in love

I have done it. I have taken the fall. I have been dared to, and even fully aware that there wouldn't really be anyone to catch me, I exercised my free will and chose to be human. And the fall? Painful but worth it. 

I have found that for everything that it can ever mean to anyone, love is still love. It should, therefore be, always a positive thing. It empowers, it brings joy, it ever gives, it builds, it links, it allows one to grow and fulfill the potential to be a powerful agent of change in the known universe. I have found that this is only possible when I express it and allow it the freedom, and in effect, the power to change me for the better. Yes, I was hurt for a number of reasons; failed expectations most of all. But at least, when I do not hold back, I hurt but I also get to grow. Whereas when I repress it, I get hurt too mostly because of suffocation. I do not want to lose by holding back, and by making an enemy out of what could be an enriching and life-changing experience. 

I have found that to learn to really open my heart, I have to just let myself feel. To immerse myself in feeling is to get to know the depths of my own heart. It is also to discover for myself the things that I am willing to do in the face of great emotions; to know to what extent I can allow my heart to decide for me. In spite of all the internal drama, the lesson was simple enough. I can feel all I want to feel. However, it does not mean that I have to act on every feeling. But act I must, so I drew on my deeply held values and beliefs and let myself be guided by the very things that define who I am and what I want to be. 

I have found that love is many things but it never rejoices in the wrong. It has challenged me to remain true to myself and my sense of self-respect; forcing me to strive for that which is truly worthy, and not just be content with what feels good at the moment.
So I dared to fall. I did not find a fairytale. I found a love that waits, and a heart that is strong and willing to walk away because it is the right thing to do.

A beautiful part of life has finally happened to me. I am now a proud owner of a romantically bruised heart. I now have my own share of romantic scars, and a corresponding story to tell. I now know what sparks mean. And I now have a more expectant heart - one which will always be afraid but so looks forward to taking yet another fall. That is, until the hands that were meant to do the "catching" have at last found the one meant to fall into those capable, waiting arms - only me. :)


kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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