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Saturday, December 29, 2012

Of settling for relationships, and fairytales, and Peter Pan's lost boys

As a girl, it is hard to be so used to independence. Sure, I can stand up on my own and take care of myself. But I want to be someone to be taken care of too. Usually, I just want to feel wanted. That should I ever go, I will be sorely missed. That someone wants me to just stay; to just be close enough because my presence is essential to their happiness. There are little everyday things that I yearn for because for the longest time, I have chosen to be on my own rather than settle for relationships that I know will never survive my tendency to worry, to unleash my rich inner self, to express my crazy ideas, or to be bored. 

Yes there had been promising friendships before but as things turned out, even the friendship parts did not survive. I know being the common ingredient in these relationships, it is normal to think that maybe it is me; that I'm the difficult one. But that would be self-defeating. To pursue that way of thinking is to accept that I can love but I cannot handle relationships. I cannot commit. How can that be so when I have so much to give and am very much willing to fight for such a worthy prize? Indeed I have never really played the romantic game before only because the stakes were not high enough; because they were not for keeps. It will be such a tragedy to just let the best of me die just because so far, all I have known are people who have chosen to be with partners with 'less complicated' personalities than that of mine. I prefer to think that perhaps it is just a simple case of timing, or me not yet meeting someone within my "wavelength".

I used to love fairy tales. I still do. But I am not expecting one in my romantic life. I just want my love story, written by God as it is, to have happy endings. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to be worthy of that kind of love that builds, that binds, that grows, that endures, and that cannot help but give joy to others. I just pray that whoever it is out there who might be wanting to take a chance to be with me will also have the courage to take those first steps to meet me halfway, sooner if not now. It is hard enough as it is to be a very passionate introvert. I can be downright oblivious at times but really, I guess all I need are minute clues. I can be shockingly direct in my approach of people but ironically, I'm the sort who actually needs provocation just to draw out an outright reaction. I need to be affirmed.  I just need to know, and to be sure that I did not misread the clues, so I'll know what to do.  
Speaking of fairy tales, I have just realized lately that I have been with Peter Pan for some time now. It was a silly moment, that Christmas afternoon, when I woke up looking at large cumulus clouds and suddenly understanding that he has been around for a while. The thing is, I do not know whose role I'm supposed to play - Wendy or Tinker Bell? Or maybe I'm one of the lost boys... All I know is that if I could, I want to be the one who makes him happy so he can fly; and at the end of the day, be the one he comes home to. 

Have you ever had any of these dilemmas too? What did you do? 


Update: December 2013 (1 year later)
I have changed my heart about Peter Pan. I prefer a grown-up who will be forever young and child-like than a boy who forever refuses to grow up.
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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