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Friday, August 30, 2013

Dear J, WTF is "happy"-ness?!

1:27 AM 7/14/2013
Dear J,
Forgive me, but this letter is almost a year overdue. I have been meaning to write you for the longest time but somehow, the noise just kept mounting on, and I got busier pretending that I can do away without first looking within. 

You only had one question: why do I seem fearless in making decisions that can change my life either for better or worse. You were referring to my career choices. At a time when most of my contemporaries are already settling down into a job where they intend to retire from, I make decisions based not on security issues of salary grade and job permanence, but on how I feel about my work and seemed to have no qualms about leaving a good opportunity in search for something that will make me "happy".

I can understand your puzzlement. WTF?! What is "happy"-ness anyway? Like love and success, it is a state of mind that is relative; something that has a different meaning for everyone...

10:18 AM 8/26/2013

I also want to tell you, this letter also took long enough to complete. I have begun wanting to articulate what I have so far learned in my recent search for direction, only to be trumped by the fact that there are a lot that I still am confused about, still uncertain of... and I'm finally realizing that this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life.

The struggle should not end. Nor would I want it to. Because I understand now that to continue searching over and over again does not equate to being continually lost but rather, to continuous growth. Only if we persevere in finding the best way we can be of value to those we love and the community around us can we continually reach the better version of ourselves, which also drives home the point that there actually is no such thing as "perfect" and "best." Perfect is subjective, what we consider to be good enough as to make us happy. "Best" is actually but us being found in the flow- that magic moment when challenge and talent works in concise compatibility and synchronicity and there is this feeling of balance, of sense in the oneness of things. "Best" is actually just the upgraded version of our most recent self - a "better" version.

"Do everything with love." "Follow your bliss." These are grand objectives. Simple yet so hard to begin with. I don't know how it is with other people but for me, it gets confusing sometimes because I always have to agonize first whether what I love is what is actually right to begin with. Have you ever known how that feels like? To be conflicted knowing that somewhere along the path to following your bliss, you know there is a line to be drawn when your "bliss" crosses the path to doing what is right and best. At such times I hear the rebel rising in me insisting my right to happiness, clashing with that of my conscience who voices out that happiness will also elude me in the end if I choose to pursue only that which will make ME happy.

Most times I feel like a person with DID, with a host of voices in my head. It is usually just easier to run away and hide through sleep than try to make sense of it all AND explain it to others without appearing like a mental patient, or even just someone in need of actual medication. It is why I have craved the quiet lately. I have been in limbo from my own silence for some time now, having willingly opened myself up to hype and a lot of chasing. It was fun for awhile, until I realized I have been forsaking my own voice and therefore have no clear idea as to the things that will really make me happy...

The courage you have asked me about shares "twin-ship" with fear. I have not been born brave to begin with, though I have been named as such. Interestingly enough, when I am most afraid, I only have to ask myself, "well, what do I really have to lose if I don't try?" and mostly, the answers begin to fall in place. Mostly, because sometimes they take awhile. Sometimes, I have to wait. You, who also writes, know what agony lies in such waiting. Recently I have tried distracting myself through crowds but I only managed in almost drowning the introvert inside me. So I waited, and to a degree, I am still waiting, believing with all my heart that I will wake up one day fully knowing. All I ever need to do now is to find my way through, one day at a time, faith first. Because even with all my fears, what I fear most of all is to just exist

Before this letter, I used to link the "search" to "being lost". Now, I refuse to be lost anymore. I aspire to growth. I aspire to meaning. I aspire to a deeper understanding of things which will help me live a simpler life; a life that would no longer attach value to material things and views and memories that belong to the past and will not help me build a happier future. 

I don't want to be lost anymore. Instead I will seek. I will find. I will share. Everything about my life will be a lesson from which others will be able to draw strength, inspiration, encouragement, empowerment, a persistent desire to make a difference in their own life and to those they value most. I will build the rest of my life around this objective, prevailing through whatever confusion and craziness I may "feel" in my constant exploration....

Last night, while thinking of how I'm yet to find out the infinite possibilities that love can teach me and enable me to grow, I remembered being part of God and an infinite universe, and therefore inherently having a part of that power and infinite-ness... It brought me peace. 

I hope you are somehow finding your own sense of peace too.

Please keep writing. I know how hard it can be most times but still, write. There is salvation here. And I believe that we were given this to somehow help "spread the light," no matter the chaos within :)
I miss you. One day soon, we'll take that long walk among the listening trees of Diliman with Chuchay and just laugh our heads off about all these. 'Til then, blessed be the darkness.

ever and always,

p.s. I've been a crazy letter-writer all my life, as this one attests to. I wrote it here for you, but also for myself, where it will serve as a constant reminder of where I've been to, and where I would like to be headed towards for the next wonderful decades to come :)

"While it is true we can learn from others, we alone can make our journey. 
Nobody can do it for us." -Positive Thoughts

kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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