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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Gravity

Free-fall is that feeling in a roller-coaster ride when gravity pulls you back and your gut, after feeling suspended for a moment, feels like being sucked back into earth at a hundred miles an hour and all you can do to stay sane and know you're still breathing is to scream. Feels funny? Almost.

I have been free-falling for a while now. I have been in an emotional roller-coaster for the last 12 months. For someone who has already learned the importance of self-awareness in winning battles in life, it took me quite a while to figure out just where did all the unrest, unhappiness, and helplessness came from. It was really so confusing that I had to literally back-track down every landmark decisions that I have made in the past that changed my life and made me achieve things even way beyond my imagination. 

Weird that I was with the best possible company of people there is and yet, there I was - I felt small, I felt afraid and anxious most of the time, I felt incapable, I felt helpless. Not all the positive thinking in the world could help me change how I felt. I could not quiet that tormenting part of my brain that whispered I was not good enough. I was always comparing myself to other people, I was always afraid, I was so near to drowning out my own voice inside my head, and I could not stop. No, it did not feel painful. It felt like dying an endless tormenting death because I have again become my own worst enemy. I was in a constant free-fall.

To describe the experience as crazy is an understatement. It was a nausea-inducing battle of staying sane, acting normal, and battling a slew of demons within, while trying to reach out and help other people who are experiencing the same. What made it worse was the constant pressure to achieve something; to prove my worth. It got to the point that the constant babble of voices, no matter how reassuring they sounded, became empty white noise that threatened to drown the one voice that I should intently be listening to - my own.

I got lost in a sea of achievers.  I felt like a chicken trying to pass off as an eagle. I felt like a stranger to myself - knowing how outstanding I really am but not believing that I really can. The good thing is that I never was one to back down from painful internalization. In my search for answers I found that what mattered most to me was not really my material goals but simply, that I get to enjoy what I do and feel fulfilled while doing them. That I get passionate and find joy while doing something. That I can hear but need not listen and take to heart the ideas that other people are trying to sell me into. That what is important is that I hold on to the truth that I am good enough for anything, and that I am perfect in God's eyes. Interestingly enough, knowing this led me to the rediscovery of who I was and the discovery of who I want to become. It made me remember my dreams- the things that I would like to be remembered for. 

www.kaigachi.tumblr.comNow, I am in the process of learning to unfurl my wings. Fully intending to soar, I am taking each day at a time, nurturing the awareness that whenever I feel afraid and have that free-falling feeling in my gut, it is a good thing because it means that I am about to learn something new. That as long as I'm alive, I still have a purpose and that part of the adventure is to unlock a little bit of that priceless puzzle every day. That every time I dare to ask myself an uncomfortable question and answer it with all honesty, I unlock an arsenal of truths that will help me win in my everyday battles. That every time I lay my heart out on the line like this and risk vulnerability, I am enabling others to also articulate their inner experiences and find their own truths; that even though I still cannot shine for now, I at least can reflect for them what light I am able to see in my own darkness.

I am not a fan of roller-coasters but I enjoy them. The good part for me is being justified to free-fall to my heart's content, scream my heart out, and still come out alive, exhilarated, and bolder to try out other uncomfortable things. The best part is that this analogy also applies to life: that any free-falling moment is an invitation to discover more of life, and more of what you can offer to life.

9:53 PM 7/3/2013
   
August Bernadette
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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