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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Therapy post: 10Nov2013

I don't know what I'm still waiting for.. some kind of push, to drive me to my tipping point. It frustrates me, this waiting. I feel helpless sometimes, not knowing where to find affirmation though believing that all is well and can only get better.

I ask myself everyday where I am already in my journey. Sometimes the answer comes out loud and clear and firm. Sometimes, it sounds lost. "What am I doing here? What am I waiting for?"

I've gone back to books and reading in the search for a framework with which I can view the world differently and more positively; a point of view from one that is empowered. Still, I can't let go of that which is holding me back. It is something I cannot yet name. It's like a hook that has snagged me in place and I can't break free yet. No, not fear. Although I think it still has something to do with my self-esteem....

Sometimes, when I review my dreams and look at everything that is only awaiting my decision and action, I feel caged. I can't help but think, "What if I just give these all up?" Surrender will not be sweet. It will be suicide. And I know that I can never forgive myself if I just allow things to happen to me; to just be a part of a circumstance as opposed to being the one who creates the circumstance. I know who I am and how powerful the one within is. I guess, I still haven't decided yet on who exactly do I want to become.

Maybe I do need to surrender, but of a different kind. That is something I am yet to ponder on…

A part of me still feels missing - that girl who can rule the world through choice and dreams and music and meaning; who decides and takes action, directed only by guts and intuition. I do not long for my happy self anymore. Somewhere along the years, the happy self has merged with the fulfilled one. As important as universal joys are for me like finding beauty in simple things, I know that I can only be completely happy if I have made a meaningful contribution, no matter how small....

Are these self-musings vanity? Does anyone ever write this way?

It is actually quite fascinating trying to find answers like this - to just let the thoughts come out through a rain of words, never minding about coherence or organization...

I know the answers are all already within. I just have to dig deeper.

6:15 PM 11/10/2013

kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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