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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Keeping Afloat (Therapy Post)

4:49 PM 8/26/2014 
I know I'm nearing a breakthrough. I must be. Because these days usually feel like the darkest parts of night; the hushed hours before dawn. These are the days when I fiercely feel that this life could not really be mine cause I usually do not care to wake up and get through a day that feels like a pathetic repeat of a hundred other days in the past where I was too much of a coward to make a difference, create something new, or share an insight, or just try to look at my life differently and see where I can possibly make some changes. These are the very crazy days of appearing so normal yet inside I feel myself slipping away, wanting to just let go of the struggle. Because I feel that I do not even deserve to feel struggling since I have actually nothing to complain about - I have a job, my family, I maybe overweight but I still look well enough not to scare people, I have people around me who I know cares how I feel and would not hesitate to listen should I dare reach out, books and music to alternately serve as an escape and also as anchor to whatever pain and struggles that I have. I cannot justify this sadness and this "lostness". I just know that I wish for a better version of myself - someone stronger, who is more in control, someone who can make promises and keep them, someone who can express herself better, or at least more openly without feeling either stupid or selfish. 

I'm so tired of looking back and feeling stupid for decisions I have made in the past. I am so tired of looking back and seeing I was not really the strong, capable person I thought I was, seeing the many times I could have decided better but did not; and the many times I could have done something but didn't. I know no one is coming to save me, but I feel so tired of trying to save myself. 

I do not want to end my life. Never. I know no matter how uncertain I feel right now about my future, there is a beautiful one for me; something that has been prepared for me long before I was born. I know that right now I just have to hang on and keep trying to get up everyday, until I can already wake up without the shadows lurking inside my head. But I wish to take a pause and if I could, disappear for a while and just be free to feel all the struggle that there is inside; to give space to these turbulent emotions that I can barely contain and whose origins I cannot explain. I just want to take a pause and cry my heart out and find myself again amid these chaos. Cause I have the niggling feeling that some of these may not actually be mine at all, but absorbed from people I have cared for so much. 

I want to be gone for awhile and feel how it is like to be missed. I act alright when people act as if I'm just like every other person who can give them the companionship that they need, but it pains me so much to form those attachments and realize in the end that it was just me who actually gave a damn. That in their language, what I want is too much; that to be attached is to be clingy. And then I can sense their wonder when I act like I don't want to care anymore. I have to laugh because its true. At times I'm so afraid of people disappointing me that I'd rather not expect anything from them, especially when even acknowledgement alone is hard to come by. 

I want to reach out. I want to be understood. But I do not know how to tell people that something is wrong with me when even I myself cannot explain what it is; when all it is, is a "mere feeling". I know everyone undergo difficulty but how do I compare and still feel normal, when there's nothing tangible in this; when everything feels surreal - a mind-numbing, life-choking jumble of emotions? How do I tell people without them thinking I am no longer capable of holding a job; of being able to do something in a professional capacity; that this is just a phase, though seemingly chronic; that I have every hope of one day leaving behind me as I learn to live with a better perspective hopefully to the end of my days? 

I must be nearing a breakthrough. I must. I have to be. 

August Bernadette
kaigachi is a conjugation of the Japanese term "kigaicha" or crazy. It roughly translates as "crazy about something."

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious." - C.Jung

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